a task or goal requiring much effort to accomplish or achieve.

In a couple weeks I will leave.  It’s almost as if we are pawns on a chess board and we are being played by children who don’t know the rules too well because I will be picked up but I won’t be placed one space forward or even diagonal for the kill.  They will place me on an entirely different chess board.  Maybe it’s even a checkers board because the other pieces aren’t like me.  They communicate differently, they react differently, and they hop over
each other.  On the original chess board, you’ll see me lifted and through technology you’ll see me placed.  But I’m not on your board anymore.  And you will miss me at first.  Something will feel different like there aren’t enough pieces.  It may even be
difficult.  Yet your life will continue and as time goes on, the children will place other random pieces onto the board.  The flow will be recreated and each day will become easier.  Whatever you will feel from my absence will become less and less severe until normality is recreated.  This is how life goes.

As for me, I will be placed in this whole new world.  New faces, new culture, new sights, new everything… My life won’t continue on the same.  Is this what I asked for?  How is
this new game played?  Why won’t they allow me to step forward one space?  What
are the new rules!?  It gets better though, because what happens on your chess board will happen on my checkers board.  I will miss my home, my friends, my family, my job, my life… yet each day will become easier and easier as the checkers pieces fill my life.  My chess board will never be replaced, nothing could replace my life here, but after time I will adapt, just as you will, to my new life.  This is how life goes.

As I prepare myself for this, I am faced with the cold hard facts that there really is no preparation!  Nothing I can do will MAKE THIS EASY!  I accept that and I choose to feel every emotion that I possibly can.  I lay awake at night as my mind tries to process everything that is happening.  Everywhere I go I acknowledge that it may be my last time there.  It puts a whole new spin on appreciation, I’ll tell you that for sure!  And in all honesty, my mind is a mess of tangles and struggles.  Yes, I’ve chosen this.  It’s
important I remind myself of this often since I am the one that controls my reactions, I need to remember it is ME that asked those children to pick me up off my Napa Valley chess board.  Some days go by nicely and others are a struggle.  But at the end of each day I thank God for each struggle.  I turn and face it head on, feeling everything that I possibly can and while working towards becoming a better person I ask, what’s next?  What else can you throw my way?

I decided to share this because somehow I felt it was important that you know… this isn’t easy.  At all.  I know I cover it up very well and I will tell every one of you that I am excited!  So excited for my trip!  And it’s true!!!  But it still hurts.  It’s still hard.  Yet, I’ve never doubted that I’ll make it.  Because I know I will.  You, my friends and family, are my biggest support group and it is because of YOU that I’m going to make it.

The countdown continues…. I’m leaving soon… and life goes on.  Because that is what life does.


About sayadiosamerica

Hi. My name is Sarah and that is one thing that will never change. As for the rest of me, I've decided to dance life's tango. And maybe, just maybe... I will become Sarai.
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4 Responses to Struggle

  1. jassyonyae says:

    Im sad you are leaving but excited for you at the same time 🙂 Something new is good sometimes & yes it may be hard at first…….but before you know it, it gets better & better !!!!
    love this blog already

  2. Larissa says:

    Sarah I am amazed! At what you are doing, about your attitude, your writing… Everything!! You are so inspiring. And I am so excited for you to start this new game. Chess, checkers – whatever it will be, you will be great at it!!! 🙂 I can’t wait to hear all about it. And yes, you better believe you will be missed! But it will be a good kind of missed. 🙂

  3. Craig says:

    Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. It’s cliched, but true. Just keep focusing on the adventure!

  4. mjbatiste says:

    This is a great post! It hits home for me in more ways than one. I am so thankful that you have chosen this outlook on life, not many do. It is my goal to be a little more like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

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