“a design or scheme of arrangement”
Life can be funny sometimes. Especially when you think you finally have everything figured out. You make a plan and then start to arrange things to fit in your plan, perfectly if possible. And it just makes me laugh that as I try and put things into place, I start feeling internal resistance. I finally take a step back and ask myself why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why am I really making this “perfect plan?” Growing up we all hear about the five year, ten year plans… I do agree they are important. But if I stuck to my ten year plan from ten years ago, I wouldn’t be doing half the things I’m doing now. With that being said, I guess I’m having one of those moments where I begin to think.
Initially, when I decided to come home for these two months during the summer, I had intended to begin re-making my life permanent: settling down back in the Napa Valley. That I was drawn back and there was a reason I needed to be here, right now, even though I didn’t know what it was. I suppose that in the back of my mind, I’ve always envisioned coming back to the Napa Valley at some point. And as many times as I said I was moving for good, never coming back, there was always a part of me that knew I’d end up here. And now I’m here. Unintentionally, I have done absolutely nothing to create a new life. I haven’t researched jobs or places to live; I haven’t branched out and started to do things in the community. But what I have been doing – is thinking.
I absolutely love being here. I mean, how could you not? But at the same time, I’m not loving being here. Does that make sense? If I moved back right now, I don’t know that I would feel fulfilled. Would coming back here try and recreate my history? Have I not outgrown it? I am faced with conflicting ideas and I struggle with trying to make it work. And then it occurred to me. What would happen if I didn’t “have” to come back here? What would happen if I let go of this “perfect plan” I had created? I mentioned that I felt I was supposed to come back here, for some unknown reason. What if that reason was so that I would feel what it was like to be back, to quasi live here for a short period of time, to feel that maybe it’s not time to live here. Maybe I needed to get it out of my head that this is where I “had” to end up. Maybe there is more out there. Maybe there is more to think about.
And that’s where I am now. I’ll return to the states in October, but the truth is, I have no idea where I will end up. I can’t honestly say when the next visit to California will be. The feeling is so liberating, knowing that my life is an array of open doors, all so beautifully decorated in their own way, all so inviting and beckoning me through to experience another journey. This isn’t the time to sit down and plan out my life. I have goals, I have a bucket list, and I have a yearning to explore what life has to offer.
Speaking of my bucket list, in just under a month, I will begin my pilgrimage across the north of Spain on a walk called, El Camino de Santiago. I will attempt to do it in 30 days, and I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am to experience what is there waiting for me. People have asked me why I have chosen to do this. I still haven’t been able to formulate an answer that is satisfying to me. Other people do the walk for various reasons – historical, spiritual, in searching for something, etc. But me? Who knows. Maybe it’s all of the above. I can honestly say, that two years ago, I would never have thought about doing something like this. So maybe it is what I’ve learned in these last two years. Maybe I’ve started to see the world outside of a box. Maybe I’ve started to really appreciate people for who they are and where they come from, how their culture and background make them unique, why they think the way they do. I’m going to meet some incredible people on this journey. I’m going to meet my Sergio. I’m going to learn a lot about a lot of things. I know this because I’m open to it, I’m excited about it, and I’m going without a plan. I’m ready to be changed.
Does that sound like a plan?